What's your story, morning glory? (April 13; from MySpace blog, on this date named MORE -- Musings, Observations and Random Epithets)

So I have been thinking a lot lately about my odd need to figure out people's M.O. I'n not naturally good at figuring people out -- I can't read people "like a book," as the saying goes. Perhaps that's a good thing -- I give everyone a fair shot at giving me a first impression on their own merits, no preconceptions or judgments on my part.

However, I have noticed that this odd compulsion to know the "why" spills over to practically everything. If curiosity killed the cat, well, then, thank goodness I'm not a feline or the nine lives would be long gone by now. It's my own personal game, this quest for answers to everything, which clearly Ain't Gonna Happen in my lifetime. So I need to tone down the inner investigative journalist within me. But I digress -- a topic for another time.

Anyway, this need to know what makes people tick drove me to start a heart-to-heart talk with my father last week. I felt the need to explain myself to him so he would perhaps gain an inkling of understanding about my motivations in life -- why I am the way I am, that my approach to life wasn't purely for the purpose of irritating him. (heh.) In the process of that long, sometimes tearful conversation (because it was very difficult to rehash some long-neglected feelings of inadequacy and of being misunderstood as his child), I discovered a crucial flaw in him, which actually has helped me understand *his* motivations. Not that I'm criticizing my dad -- hey, we're all human. It's just that this exercise in self-discovery helped me figure out why there are some roadblocks in our interpersonal communication.

See, I don't think he realizes that I was born with a need to try to emphathize (not just sympathize) with others. It makes me quite vulnerable sometimes, and sure, there are plenty of people out there with high emotional boundaries built up who do NOT want others to try to understand them! (I have worked with several in the last decade or so....) So I am aware that my odd drive to see life through other people's eyes sometimes, OK, often, may backfire on me.

On the other hand, I don't think my father has ever considered really trying to see things from another's perspective, at least not to the degree of empathy. And I have also come to learn that I don't think he's actually emotionally capable of doing that. It makes me sad for him, because despite the problems it may create for me, I wouldn't want to change my empathic nature.

I don't ever want to be any less compassionate than I am. I *want* to feel others' pain, because then perhaps I can try to be of help to them, should they want it from me, and I might even glean a bit of wisdom from their experiences. I feel things to a greater depth than the rest of my family and most of my friends, but while that means that the lows can feel lower, the highs of life can feel higher, too, and an expanded spectrum of emotions makes for a much more vibrant life. Filled with drama? Um, yes, I admit it. A little wacky sometimes? You betcha (and all drug-free! How 'bout it.). But still a much more amazing life to live, to be sure. :-)

At the same time, I need to remember that my help and compassion will not always be welcome. And that knoweldge is very difficult for me to swallow, because another of my many flawed characteristics is the need to be needed. I want to be useful to others; I want my life to have meaning and purpose and direction. And to do that "properly" I don't think I can live in a vacuum; rather, I need to be grateful for what I have and then pay my gratitude forward to others in the form of compassionate acts and kind deeds. And I can make outreaching efforts until the cows come home, but I need a glimmer of reciprocation, of gratitude, in return to know that I *matter*. I don't mean to be a drama queen, but too much of my life has been lived as if I were not quite good enough, and I know it's time that I deserve to feel important to others, that my existence is worth something to someone other than me, or my parents, who do love me unconditionally (although not without filters).

So you say I sound like a hopeless do-gooder and a whiny needy baby? Well, I've also learned not to be *too* helpful -- I have learned the hard way (and it has taken several lessons to beat it through my head, but I think I've got it now) that it's better to say "no" before I get myself overcommitted and stretched too thin. I need to take time for myself first, so when I am approached to help out with something, I know I should probably say No unless I really mean "absolutely yes, no hesitation, I will make this a priority and make time for it in my life." Because if my heart isn't truly in an effort, then my effort won't be wholehearted, will it? ;-) So while being in charge of Daffodil Days or serving on yet another nonprofit board sounds like such a worthy effort, I must decline this year because it's someone else's turn to be the do-gooder. I've done my part for a while. I need a break for me.

So you say I sound like a needy whiny baby? Perhaps so. But I won't compromise my needs, either. I've waited too long in life to stand up and ask for what I need. And it's not easy for me to do that. But I will persist. I will find what I need, even if someday it means that I just stumble on it from within myself, not knowing it was there all along ... life is a(n emotional) journey. :-)